My friends, they love my intelligence
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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