Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
