before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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