You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
