the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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