so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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