I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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