The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
