she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
