I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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