You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
