It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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