break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
