The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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