My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
