you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Who did Billy Mays play for?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
