I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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