4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
