Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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