OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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