My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
