You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
