Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
