she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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