just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
