When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
