weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
