you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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