idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
