you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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