Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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