Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
