That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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