You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
