woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize