You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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