I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
