bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
false alarm, still single
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