Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
