Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
