I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
This is my gift to your gina
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
