There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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