I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Holy sore nipples Batman
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
