I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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