one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
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I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
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had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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