you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
