Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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