life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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