Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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