i wish my penis had a tongue
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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