Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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