I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Randomize
