dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
