I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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