just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
